Tomorrow is Today and Today is Yesterday

Yesterday was my eldest daughter's birthday, although it's still today to me as I haven't been to bed yet. Will be going very soon though, as I'm knackered and falling asleep.

Hopefully my Amazon items will arrive tomorrow (today), although knowing my luck they'll arrive on Saturday (tomorrow). I actually did better out of the deal than I should have (see previous post) as when I checked my inbox earlier today (yesterday), I discovered that Amazon had actually sent me an email on Monday telling me that they couldn't process my card. If I'd noticed that and corrected the details, I would have probably had the order yesterday (the day before yesterday).

As to what I've ordered, well it's a set of Faerie Oracle cards and an Angel Numbers book. Look, I'm into that sort of thing, don't knock it. I've also ordered some new tarot cards from eBay because my current ones don't seem to be working too well these days. They probably needs a good spiritual cleansing, but I don't go in for that sort of thing, I'm too lazy. It's easier to just buy a new deck. While I was at it, I ordered a pentagram pendant from the same supplier (although I hesitated, because she described it as a "pendent"). I thought I might wear it when I go to the local shops so everyone thinks I'm a witch and keeps their distance. A hermit can never have too many "keep your distance" objects about their person.

Oh, and for anyone who is confused, my daughter's birthday was on Thursday, 8th of March.

Up Your Irish Amazon

Sometimes it helps to be a stroppy cow. Last Friday I ordered a couple of items from Amazon UK. I only really wanted one of them, but the second cost less than the first-class postage on the first, so I got the second item without paying any extra as the order then qualified for free delivery.

The items were supposed to arrive anytime between yesterday and tomorrow, but when I checked yesterday they hadn't been despatched, nor had they been despatched when I checked today. There was absolutely nothing on the page to explain the delay, so I rang Amazon. It turned out that they were using the wrong card details, even though I'd entered in the correct ones. It appeared that my old Switch card was on file and they'd used that, instead of the new Visa card I'd entered when I placed the order. The old Switch card wouldn't have worked because (a) it had been replaced some time ago by the Visa and (b) it had expired some time ago. Why they used these card details when I entered totally different ones is beyond me. Even more puzzling is why I was told that the card had been accepted and the payment verified.

I politely (at first) explained to the Irish lady on the other end of the phone that there should have been some sort of warning on the page, telling me that I needed to amend some details, but she told me that this wasn't their policy, they simply continued to try the card and after a while, cancelled the order. I told her that in my opinion this was rather silly (not to mention bad for sales, although I didn't mention that bit) and she agreed with me (humoured me).

After my card details were corrected, I was told that the order would be despatched tomorrow and would arrive next week, which caused me to have a mini-fit. "Next week?" I mini-fitted. "It was supposed to be here tomorrow at the latest!" I then suggested they sent the order first-class and it was amended, except I was going to be charged more than 20% more for the privilege. At this point I had another mini-fit and muttered something along the lines of "In the interest of good customer relations, you should send it first-class and let me off the cost". Receiving no response to this, I asked for the order to be changed back to free delivery, and the Irish lady said this had been done. Refreshing the order page on the website confirmed this.

After sighing a lot and loudly muttering (yes, it is possible to mutter loudly, I've perfected it) that I would be thinking twice before using Amazon again, I terminated the phone call. On checking the order status a few minutes later, I discovered that my items were being despatched tomorrow by first-class, were estimated to arrive one or two days later (i.e., Friday or Saturday) and I had been refunded for the cost of the first-class postage.

So ... if you want first-class delivery from Amazon but don't want to pay for it, you know what to do.

Is That Lipstick on Your Carrot?

A couple of days ago I bought this lipstick that's supposed to plump up the lips to 40% of their normal size. It's got collagen or something in it. Anyway, as mine are the "Excuse me, but I appear to be snogging your nose/chin" type of lips (i.e., almost non-existent), I thought I'd treat myself.

There's meant to be this sort of tingle after you put the lipstick on and I did feel something, but not that much. Anyway, after I'd applied it and seen nothing particularly amazing in the mirror, I decided to go clean-up the lounge. Whilst doing so, I discovered a bag of carrots on the fireside rug (don't ask, I have a very strange son). Feeling peckish, I took a carrot out of the bag and bit hard on it.

WRONG. I didn't bite hard on the carrot - well I did, but only partly. I also bit hard on my lip. I totally misjudged the position of said lip because it was sort of stuck out more than usual. I also learnt something new, namely that carrot and blood do not go together well in terms of taste and the combination is therefore not recommended for those without vampiric leanings.

Conclusion: The lipstick works, but should carry a health warning.

Mysterious Massage, Anyone?

Get Your Sexy Name


Get Your Monster Name

Get Your Cyborg Name

Thanks to Gareth for the idea.

My Daughter is a Prick

There I am, innocently enjoying a cup of coffee and a bit of surfing (internet variety, I don't go in for the other sort, gimme a break), when my 14-year-old daughter screams at me from the kitchen.

Daughter: MUM! HELP! There's a needle stuck in my foot.
Mother: A what stuck in your foot? Just a minute ...

Mother goes into kitchen. Daughter is hopping on one leg and announcing that she is dying. Mother looks and sees needle stuck in daughter's foot, with black cotton threaded through it. Mother has no idea how needle got on kitchen floor. Mother attempts to pull needle out of daughter's foot.

Daughter: Don't pull it out! I'll die!
Mother: What else am I supposed to do with it?
Mother pulls out needle. Daughter remains alive.

Daughter: Is there blood on it?
Mother: No. Next time try shoes or slippers.

Daughter returns to cooking pasta, Mother returns to coffee and surfing, assuming crisis is over. A few minutes pass quietly and peacefully by.

Daughter: AAAGGGHHH!!!
Mother: What is it NOW?
Daughter: **BLEEP**BLEEP**BLEEP**

Mother goes into kitchen and discovers floor covered in fusilli, mushrooms, bits of tomato and pasta sauce. Daughter announces she tripped over something and her pasta went all over her arm on its way to the floor and she is now scarred for life (she isn't). Mother tells daughter to leave kitchen and she will cook her some more pasta. Daughter leaves kitchen to go watch TV. Mother screams (therapeutically) and starts cooking.

Moral of Story: I live in a madhouse with mad people.

My Neighbour is Not Called Oscar or Helen

As it's been a week and a day since I last posted, I suppose I should say something, otherwise you'll think I've disappeared again. Perhaps I will say "Eh up, COMMENTS?". I know quite a few people are reading because I can tell from my site stats, but you're not exactly saying much, are you. No need to follow my example and keep quiet for over two years, y'know.

I shouldn't really be here at all, I should be tidying-up. Got some woman from the Council coming round tomorrow to complain at me about something (I suspect it's the neighbours again) and if the house is like this when she gets here, she'll not even be able to get in the door. In fact, I probably wouldn't even be able to answer it.

Was woken up by my radio alarm this morning as usual and was rather pleased to hear that Helen Mirren (DAME Helen Mirren, that is) had won Best Actress Oscar for her role as the Queen in some film about the Princess Diana death aftermath I haven't seen but have heard about. Not that I am into that sort of thing, but it's good to know a Brit has won it for once and it was about time she got some sort of recognition for something.

I was very annoyed when Hollywood rejected her for the Prime Suspect role (think it was Hollywood) because she was TOO OLD. Too old? What the hell does that have to do with it? Have they not heard of make-up? I don't know who got the part (if anyone did), but I know they won't have made of it what Helen Mirren did. Too old, my Aunt Fanny. Never heard such a load of utter codswollop.