Neighbourly Notes

The man next-door is really getting on my nerves. He lives on his own (in a 3-bedroomed house) and spends all his time at home apart from first thing in the morning when he goes to the shop at the end of the road (in his car) to buy a daily paper. He has no visitors to speak of, apart from his two granddaughters, who come over every now and again at the weekend.

He's a couple of years younger than me, but acts like someone much older. He apparently has kidney problems, which is why he doesn't work anymore. Recently he disappeared for a couple of months and only turned-up every now and again. He stayed a short while and then left again, so presumably he was collecting his post. I assumed he was living elsewhere, probably with a girlfriend, and it seems I was right as he turned-up with one a couple of weeks ago.

The problem is he can't stand any kind of noise. My house is totally quiet when the kids are at school because I don't make any noise (hermits rarely do) and there isn't any noise to speak of until the early evening when school and after-school clubs are over and both kids are here and even then it's not all the time and it doesn't last long. I admit my youngest son can be a bit noisy, but it's nothing any different to any other boy his age. The strange thing is, the only noises he seems to hear are the ones coming from my daughter's bedroom, which are usually either one or other of the kids using her electric organ, or my daughter moving position on her bed. Maybe he spends all his time in bed or something.

He has also moaned at me a couple of times for shouting at the kids, but everybody shouts at their kids from time to time. Invariably, the reason I am shouting at them is to tell them to shut-up and more often than not I want them to shut-up so the man next-door doesn't start moaning about the noise they're making.

When he turned-up with this girlfriend, within seconds of them arriving she appeared on my doorstep to invite the kids round, supposedly to play in the garden with his granddaughters. I thought this was odd as he'd never invited them round - turns out they spent the entire time telling them off for making a noise, with the man next-door constantly saying "You couldn't hope to have a nicer neighbour than me".

Today I was at the computer and the kids were upstairs in said daughter's bedroom, together with a friend of my daughter's who'd come round. I could hear no noise from there at all, but suddenly the man next-door bellowed something through the wall. I went upstairs to ask the kids if they'd heard what he said and apparently he'd shouted "Shut-up!" a couple of times. It seems my son was playing the electric organ (which is against the party wall). I hadn't heard it. Yesterday he shouted at my son to "Give your voice a rest" because he was singing.

All was quiet again, the only noise being the television in the lounge which my son was watching and it certainly wasn't loud, when suddenly I saw a dark shadow against the lounge window and someone knocked on it. I recognised the man next-door but there was no way I was going out there to listen to him ranting and raving, especially as I couldn't hear any noise from upstairs.

Nevertheless, I went upstairs, where I found my daughter sitting quietly on her bed playing Snake on her mobile phone and her friend sitting quietly on the floor looking through her Play Station games. I asked her if they'd been making any noise and it seems the only noise had been my daughter shifting position on her bed. OK, the bed is against the party wall and it's a bit creaky, but I can't move it because it's a huge cabin bed and it's just too heavy.

Next thing I know a note is pushed through my front door saying that "yet again" I have forced him out of his house with the noise. What noise? A couple of minutes playing a tune on the piano and a few seconds shifting position on a bed? Anyway, he was lying because his car never moved from where he parks it IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE and he never walks anywhere.

Now, this guy's girlfriend seems to have done a bunk. He is back living in his own house again and she hasn't been round since the first time, so I think maybe he is just in a foul mood because he has been thwarted in love. Well tough, his love life ain't my problem. Admittedly, he's moaned occasionally before, but nowhere near as much as this. He should be grateful we don't have music blaring out all day.

And did I complain when the sound of his radio woke me up this morning? No, I didn't. Maybe it's time I wrote him a note.