I've Got Crabs!

I've just been checking my site stats and I noticed that someone had been directed to this site after entering "hermits - crab" in Google. This site is 18th out of 111,000 for "hermits - crab", putting it on the second page of results, which is amazing considering it's only been here five minutes.

Even more amazing is the fact that this site has absolutely nothing to do with "hermits - crab". I have a feeling I may have mentioned them once, but I could be getting confused with hermit thrushes. There's no mention of crabs in my keywords, either.

What people enter in Google has always amazed me. I have an article on my website entitled Talk Dirty To Me and you'd be surprised how many people enter exactly those words into search engines. Why would anyone ask a search engine to "talk dirty" to them? What do they expect it to say?

I always try to choose titles that search engines will like, ones that the people using search engines will look for. It's always a good idea to have a few pieces dotted around that can include keywords connected with sex in your metatags, because they're always the ones that get searched on the most. Titles are important for the same reason, because search engines use those a lot as well.

I don't know whether the person searching for "hermits - crab" stayed long on my site, but I hope they enjoyed their visit. Chances are if they'd entered the more obvious "crabs - hermit" (or even more obvious, just "hermit crabs") they would never have been sent here.

STOP PRESS
I've since discovered that I'm also 17th out of 159,000 for "hermits" on its own, so maybe Google sort of ignored the bit about the crabs. Probably just as well.

I am Not Really Me, But I am Me Really

If my profile looks different today, it's because it's not the same profile. The old one is still in the system, but this is a brand-new one, with a number beginning with 4 instead of 1. There is a reason for this.

I first joined back in August 2003, but I only posted two entries. I didn't even understand how the system worked and I ended-up with a blog called "Watch That Dinosaur" or something equally silly, when it was meant to be the entry title. Both entries vanished off the face of the earth quicker than dinosaurs and I doubt very much that anybody visited them. It all seemed very silly to me so I went away and didn't come back until this September, when I started this blog and deleted the old one.

Because I'd joined a year previously, it meant that although I was posting like crazy and had at least an average of one post a day (more than that when I first started), my profile showed me as having joined a year previously and having an average of 0 per day (well it would, seeing as theoretically I'd been here around 400 days and had only posted a handful of entries). I realised I would have to be here for months on end to get an average of even one a week.

I didn't like this at all, it made me look as if I had nothing to say, when in fact the opposite is true (most of the time, even I have my quiet moments - it's called "sulking"). So, I contacted the nice Support people to see if they could alter the date, but apparently it isn't possible. They said the only way to do anything about it was to rejoin under a new name, invite myself to join, then delete the old name, or something like that.

I got very confused with all this and I didn't want to delete my old name in case my blogs disappeared, so I gave up. Then it started annoying me again, so I contacted the nice Support people again (for about the twentieth time, I think) and finally someone sent me a helpful idiot guide. This meant I had to change my original name to something else, then rejoin completely under my original name (which I could use again because of course it was now something else), then delete my old name.

Of course, I'm not daft (oh no I'm not), so I knew that I would need to copy out all my profile info so I could paste it into the new one. Now I need to write five posts as quickly as possible because none of my posts are showing, they're all on the old profile, because theoretically they were written by someone else, except really of course it was me. And the old profile has no blogs on it, because the old me doesn't have those blogs anymore, the new me does.

The main problem is that the profiles aren't updating properly (well, they haven't been for a while), so there is no information at all on mine as to when I joined or how many average posts I've done or anything, so I have no idea if that aspect of it is working or not. Maybe I need to post something for it to kick-in, so here we go ... (fingers crossed).

Does Your Dog Have Balls?

OK, I've heard it all now. We all know that Americans can be several states short of a full continent half the time (oh yes they can), but SILICONE TESTICLE IMPLANTS FOR DOGS? What the hell are they thinking of? I think over here the RSPCA would have something to say.

As a journalist on the programme has just said (it's on Channel 5 as I write), it says nothing about the dog, but it says a lot about the (male) owner ... SMALL PENIS.

Come on America, stop wasting time and money on crap like this and use it to benefit humanity. This is the craziest thing I've ever heard. It's also unbelievably cruel.

What's Your Magical Personality?

I found this rather interesting quiz on Perfectly Vocal's blog, so I thought I'd give it a try. You can take it yourself here: The Magical Personality Quiz.

Your Q Score is: 10
The Q score ideally should be as small as possible, indicating maximum agreement among elements. However, even a tiny Q score may not mean optimal functioning, since all four elements may in fact be relatively undeveloped.

Your Primary Mythical Creature

Air Types

The main strength of the Air types is intellect. The second element indicates the most probable focus for this intellectual activity.

Unicorn

Air with Water

Astrologically associated with Gemini and the Third House

Unicorn types are very concerned with the communication of ideas. They are witty and likeable but can also be quite shy. They are easily bored and easily distracted, and may seem unpredictable and superficial for this reason. Actually they are very deep and are usually trying to find the connections between the people and things around them. They are highly imaginative but not very practical. They love knowledge for its own sake and are not concerned about putting it to use. They are socially astute and sensitive to others’ feelings, but may still appear somewhat aloof. They are drawn to grand schemes for unifying people but these often don’t extend beyond the initial idea. Very logical and rational, Unicorn types are also unconventional and even bizarre. Other people may regard them as fey or just strange.

Comment
Well, just look at that last bit - "unconventional ... strange" - what more could an Eccentric Bohemian Hermit hope to hear? I am even quite happy to be called "bizarre". "Witty" - well, that's true too, is it not my profile name? The rest of this is all pretty accurate, really. I've always been highly imaginative but totally impractical and although I'm nowhere near as shy as I used to be, I am still not the sort of person who is comfortable with strangers. I suppose I could be called an extrovert on paper, but in 'real life' I am totally the opposite.

All this ties in with the astrological personality quiz I did the other week, which gave me a Gemini personality. You can read about that (and take the quiz yourself) if you click here.

Your Shadow Creature

Fire Types

All the Fire types have problems relating to anger and aggression. The weakest element indicates the main focus of these problems.

Phoenix

Fire and Earth

This shadow is prone to a sense of stagnation due to lack of motivation and laziness. Nothing durable is ever produced. Practical activities may never be embarked upon. There is an underlying sense of futility and hopelessness. Disillusionment results from their lack of confidence that they can change anything for the better, and in any case they do not have the will. At the same time there is an underlying grandiosity and even megalomania reflected in their dreams and aspirations. They need to feel special. Instead, they may simply overindulge or neglect themselves physically. The biggest obstacle of weak Earth is to overcome self-centeredness and greed; the biggest obstacle of weak Fire is to overcome anger and aggression.

Comment
I have to admit that the first sentence is accurate - I am incredibly lazy and I do lack motivation. I suppose I do sometimes feel that I can't improve anything - certainly I've felt a lot like that lately, but I blame that on the menopause. The last part I don't really agree with, I admit that I can be self-centred (note UK spelling here), but I'm not greedy. Aggressive? Well, maybe in my younger days, not so much now. Angry? At circumstances often yes, but not so much at people (unless they're idiots).

Interesting that I should get the Phoenix really, because this is one of the symbols associated with my sun-sign of Scorpio. I certainly seem to have spent my entire life rising from various piles of ashes.

Name Your Private Parts!

Yesterday I visited Bacon, Cheese & Oatcakes, where mention was made in a blog entry about a site where you can name certain parts of your anatomy. Purely out of interest, you understand, I thought I'd have a go. I entered my first name and was told that my "boobies" were named Beavis & Butthead. I didn't like the sound of this at all, so I added my surname and was rewarded with Abercrombie & Fitch, which I'm sure you'll agree sounds far classier.

I then decided to try Witty Woman and it came up with the following, which I've decided to keep because I rather like it:

Your Boobies' Names are: The Blind Melons

Get your own Boobie Names

My ex-husband always used to call those parts of my anatomy "Doris & Gladys" (or was it "Ethel & Gladys"?) ... (and why do men always name them anyway?). I don't recall referring to his personal appendage by any particular name, but I might have done if I'd known it was called Dirk Diggler.