Is That Lipstick on Your Carrot?

A couple of days ago I bought this lipstick that's supposed to plump up the lips to 40% of their normal size. It's got collagen or something in it. Anyway, as mine are the "Excuse me, but I appear to be snogging your nose/chin" type of lips (i.e., almost non-existent), I thought I'd treat myself.

There's meant to be this sort of tingle after you put the lipstick on and I did feel something, but not that much. Anyway, after I'd applied it and seen nothing particularly amazing in the mirror, I decided to go clean-up the lounge. Whilst doing so, I discovered a bag of carrots on the fireside rug (don't ask, I have a very strange son). Feeling peckish, I took a carrot out of the bag and bit hard on it.

WRONG. I didn't bite hard on the carrot - well I did, but only partly. I also bit hard on my lip. I totally misjudged the position of said lip because it was sort of stuck out more than usual. I also learnt something new, namely that carrot and blood do not go together well in terms of taste and the combination is therefore not recommended for those without vampiric leanings.

Conclusion: The lipstick works, but should carry a health warning.

Mysterious Massage, Anyone?

Get Your Sexy Name


Get Your Monster Name

Get Your Cyborg Name

Thanks to Gareth for the idea.

My Daughter is a Prick

There I am, innocently enjoying a cup of coffee and a bit of surfing (internet variety, I don't go in for the other sort, gimme a break), when my 14-year-old daughter screams at me from the kitchen.

Daughter: MUM! HELP! There's a needle stuck in my foot.
Mother: A what stuck in your foot? Just a minute ...

Mother goes into kitchen. Daughter is hopping on one leg and announcing that she is dying. Mother looks and sees needle stuck in daughter's foot, with black cotton threaded through it. Mother has no idea how needle got on kitchen floor. Mother attempts to pull needle out of daughter's foot.

Daughter: Don't pull it out! I'll die!
Mother: What else am I supposed to do with it?
Mother pulls out needle. Daughter remains alive.

Daughter: Is there blood on it?
Mother: No. Next time try shoes or slippers.

Daughter returns to cooking pasta, Mother returns to coffee and surfing, assuming crisis is over. A few minutes pass quietly and peacefully by.

Daughter: AAAGGGHHH!!!
Mother: What is it NOW?
Daughter: **BLEEP**BLEEP**BLEEP**

Mother goes into kitchen and discovers floor covered in fusilli, mushrooms, bits of tomato and pasta sauce. Daughter announces she tripped over something and her pasta went all over her arm on its way to the floor and she is now scarred for life (she isn't). Mother tells daughter to leave kitchen and she will cook her some more pasta. Daughter leaves kitchen to go watch TV. Mother screams (therapeutically) and starts cooking.

Moral of Story: I live in a madhouse with mad people.

My Neighbour is Not Called Oscar or Helen

As it's been a week and a day since I last posted, I suppose I should say something, otherwise you'll think I've disappeared again. Perhaps I will say "Eh up, COMMENTS?". I know quite a few people are reading because I can tell from my site stats, but you're not exactly saying much, are you. No need to follow my example and keep quiet for over two years, y'know.

I shouldn't really be here at all, I should be tidying-up. Got some woman from the Council coming round tomorrow to complain at me about something (I suspect it's the neighbours again) and if the house is like this when she gets here, she'll not even be able to get in the door. In fact, I probably wouldn't even be able to answer it.

Was woken up by my radio alarm this morning as usual and was rather pleased to hear that Helen Mirren (DAME Helen Mirren, that is) had won Best Actress Oscar for her role as the Queen in some film about the Princess Diana death aftermath I haven't seen but have heard about. Not that I am into that sort of thing, but it's good to know a Brit has won it for once and it was about time she got some sort of recognition for something.

I was very annoyed when Hollywood rejected her for the Prime Suspect role (think it was Hollywood) because she was TOO OLD. Too old? What the hell does that have to do with it? Have they not heard of make-up? I don't know who got the part (if anyone did), but I know they won't have made of it what Helen Mirren did. Too old, my Aunt Fanny. Never heard such a load of utter codswollop.