I am Not a Cookie or a Turd!

A message was left on my last entry by Lynn, in which she mentions the fact that a hermit is not only a recluse, but also "some kind of spiced cookie".

I therefore went to look the word up myself and I discovered that it is actually "a spiced cookie made with molasses, raisins, and nuts". Now, I have never heard of this food item and as the dictionary in question (Dictionary.com) is American, I suspect it's "an American thing". It must be if you think about it, because we would call it a biscuit.

I want it to be known that I am most definitely NOT a spiced cookie, or any other kind of cookie. I am not even a biscuit. I would, however, be quite happy to be something else I found on Dictionary.com, namely a Hermit Thrush, even if they are American, as I rather like the fact that they have "retiring habits, but a sweet song". This actually describes me rather well because I do have a lovely singing voice and a friend once likened it to that of a nightingale ... and I wasn't even singing in Berkeley Square.

The only aspect of being a Hermit Thrush that would bother me is what looks like its Latin name, namely "Turdus Pallasii". The second word is OK, but I have no desire to be associated with a word like "turdus". Even more worrying is the fact that "Turdus Pallasii" also seems to be an alternative name for "hermit", without the thrush bit on the end.

I have to admit that I would rather be a cookie than a turd.

A Mysterious Cup of Tea

The comment on my last entry from Freddy, alias Angry Old Man, led me to visit his blog, where I left a comment on his article Blackpool Illuminations.

In this comment I mentioned that the three old sisters who used to live next-door when I was a kid used to go to Blackpool Illuminations every year. These old ladies also used to go on mystery tour coach trips almost every Sunday afternoon throughout the summer and once a year they went away for a week on a sort of Mystery Tour collection holiday.

One year, the day after they'd gone away on their weekly Mystery Tour, my mother suddenly commented that she could hear noises coming from their house. We all listened and sure enough, we could hear them too. They seemed to be coming from the kitchen mainly and sounded like someone banging crockery about.

My mother sent my father round to investigate, although he wasn't really keen on the idea and said he felt it was more a job for the Police. After a few minutes he came back, grinning all over his face and saying we'd all been invited next-door for a cup of tea.

If you haven't guessed by now, the Mystery Tour the three old sisters went on that particular day ended-up in their own home town of all places. As they didn't fancy a trip round their own home town very much (something this lady will understand very well), they left the coach party and nipped home for a quick cuppa.

Neighbourly Notes

The man next-door is really getting on my nerves. He lives on his own (in a 3-bedroomed house) and spends all his time at home apart from first thing in the morning when he goes to the shop at the end of the road (in his car) to buy a daily paper. He has no visitors to speak of, apart from his two granddaughters, who come over every now and again at the weekend.

He's a couple of years younger than me, but acts like someone much older. He apparently has kidney problems, which is why he doesn't work anymore. Recently he disappeared for a couple of months and only turned-up every now and again. He stayed a short while and then left again, so presumably he was collecting his post. I assumed he was living elsewhere, probably with a girlfriend, and it seems I was right as he turned-up with one a couple of weeks ago.

The problem is he can't stand any kind of noise. My house is totally quiet when the kids are at school because I don't make any noise (hermits rarely do) and there isn't any noise to speak of until the early evening when school and after-school clubs are over and both kids are here and even then it's not all the time and it doesn't last long. I admit my youngest son can be a bit noisy, but it's nothing any different to any other boy his age. The strange thing is, the only noises he seems to hear are the ones coming from my daughter's bedroom, which are usually either one or other of the kids using her electric organ, or my daughter moving position on her bed. Maybe he spends all his time in bed or something.

He has also moaned at me a couple of times for shouting at the kids, but everybody shouts at their kids from time to time. Invariably, the reason I am shouting at them is to tell them to shut-up and more often than not I want them to shut-up so the man next-door doesn't start moaning about the noise they're making.

When he turned-up with this girlfriend, within seconds of them arriving she appeared on my doorstep to invite the kids round, supposedly to play in the garden with his granddaughters. I thought this was odd as he'd never invited them round - turns out they spent the entire time telling them off for making a noise, with the man next-door constantly saying "You couldn't hope to have a nicer neighbour than me".

Today I was at the computer and the kids were upstairs in said daughter's bedroom, together with a friend of my daughter's who'd come round. I could hear no noise from there at all, but suddenly the man next-door bellowed something through the wall. I went upstairs to ask the kids if they'd heard what he said and apparently he'd shouted "Shut-up!" a couple of times. It seems my son was playing the electric organ (which is against the party wall). I hadn't heard it. Yesterday he shouted at my son to "Give your voice a rest" because he was singing.

All was quiet again, the only noise being the television in the lounge which my son was watching and it certainly wasn't loud, when suddenly I saw a dark shadow against the lounge window and someone knocked on it. I recognised the man next-door but there was no way I was going out there to listen to him ranting and raving, especially as I couldn't hear any noise from upstairs.

Nevertheless, I went upstairs, where I found my daughter sitting quietly on her bed playing Snake on her mobile phone and her friend sitting quietly on the floor looking through her Play Station games. I asked her if they'd been making any noise and it seems the only noise had been my daughter shifting position on her bed. OK, the bed is against the party wall and it's a bit creaky, but I can't move it because it's a huge cabin bed and it's just too heavy.

Next thing I know a note is pushed through my front door saying that "yet again" I have forced him out of his house with the noise. What noise? A couple of minutes playing a tune on the piano and a few seconds shifting position on a bed? Anyway, he was lying because his car never moved from where he parks it IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE and he never walks anywhere.

Now, this guy's girlfriend seems to have done a bunk. He is back living in his own house again and she hasn't been round since the first time, so I think maybe he is just in a foul mood because he has been thwarted in love. Well tough, his love life ain't my problem. Admittedly, he's moaned occasionally before, but nowhere near as much as this. He should be grateful we don't have music blaring out all day.

And did I complain when the sound of his radio woke me up this morning? No, I didn't. Maybe it's time I wrote him a note.

Yeah, I Know, You Got the P Upside-Down

OK, time for a rant. I've spared you long enough and now I simply must let rip.

First of all, I would like to say that as an atheist I would not consider myself able to declare myself as such if I hadn't made a study of the Bible. In my humble opinion, it's somewhat foolish to say you don't believe in something or disagree with it if you know nothing about it (although the logic behind this seems to escape the non-atheists). However, I do feel that something is slightly cockeyed when an atheist knows more about the Bible than someone who calls themselves a "pastor".

I'm not going into any great detail because you never know who's watching and I don't want to be sued for libel (hey, that rhymes with Bible). All I will say is this: Shouldn't a "pastor" know the difference between "John the Baptist" and "John the BABtist"???

And to all the Christian fundamentalists who are reading this and about to send me a message like the one at the end of this entry, study this first:

I am Nothing!

Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?
Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes

The only thing I would take issue on here is the not being interested in the meaning of life bit as quite the opposite is true. I have always spent a great deal of time pondering that question and I still haven't come up with any real answers, although I have an awful lot of theories. Needless to say, none of them involve religion.

Maybe now I'll get a fair sprinkling of comments?!

Swopping Bricks

My twelve-year-old daughter just doesn't seem to understand what a mobile phone is for. She is on her fourth at the moment. The first two disappeared (I strongly suspect both are some­where amongst the debris in her bedroom) and the third one only lasted a week because it was a "brick". Her father had to give his old one to his mother (who is at least 83 and does not need a mobile phone), order a new one for himself and swop it with my daughter for the brick.

As far as I can see (but correct me if I'm wrong) the purpose of a MOBILE phone is to be contactable when you're ... well, mobile. The only reason I prefer my daughter to have one is so I can check on her whereabouts, tell her to come home, find out how far from home she is and so on. More often than not, when I ring her the phone is either switched off or the battery has run out. The reason the battery runs out is because she has been playing games on it for hours on end.

As far as she is concerned, if her mobile phone doesn't have the right games, isn't able to send picture messages and doesn't have an internet connection so she can download polyphonic ringtones, it's a brick and she doesn't want it. The current one meets the first two categories but not the latter. My mobile phone meets the first and the last, but not the second. However, she has decided that polyphonic ringtones are more important than picture messages, so her current project is trying to persuade me to swop my brick with hers.

Having said that, she only wants mine until Christmas, when she is expecting me to buy her a phone that not only plays games, sends messages and downloads polyphonic ringtones, but also takes photographs and videos. I am so fed-up of the whole business I may just go to the nearest builders yard and buy her a brick.

My Bra is Well Worth Visiting

We appear to be getting somewhere now. With regard to my last post, I received an email (unfortunately I deleted it by mistake so I can't say who it was from) telling me that "besøk" doesn't mean "berserk" after all (I never really thought it did, but I must admit to a slight twinge of disappointment knowing for sure that it doesn't, although I'm not entirely sure why), it means "visit".

I am going to have a stab at the whole phrase now and hazard a guess that "vel vært ett besøk" means "well worth a visit". Of course, I had a big clue here insofar as I am already aware that my site is "well worth a visit", or "vel vært ett besøk" if you happen to be Norwegian. I am still somewhat concerned about the "Bra side" bit, though. It sounds as if my site is well worth a visit because the side of my bra is visible on it. IT'S NOT THAT SORT OF SITE!!!

And I'm still puzzling over the free leggings ...

Are You Norwegian?

"Bra side - vel vært ett besøk. Flere interesante artikler, linker, mulighet for gratis legging av kort pr. e-mail m.m."

Three people have visited my tarot site today from a foreign site that for some reason is linking to it. I went there to find out what they had to say about me, which was when I discovered it was a foreign site. I thought maybe it was Danish or something, but I stuck the text in a language identifier and apparently it's Norwegian. I therefore desperately need someone familiar with Norwegian to translate the above for me.

I am most concerned about the first two words, particularly the first. What has my site to do with brassiers? It seems that several other sites they link to are connected with brassiers, too. And what does the "side" bit mean? Brassiers on the side? As for that sixth word, is it saying I am berserk?

I think maybe words 7-9 ("Flere interesante artikler") mean "Very interesting articles", "linker" is obviously "links", but then we have another strange phrase: "mulighet for gratis legging". Now, gratis must be "free", but since when was I offering free leggings? Then again, it could be that I am offering "mulighets" in exchange for free leggings.

And "mulighet" - is that "mullet"? I don't have a mullet, I didn't even know what they were until the other day. Crikey, they were in fashion when I was a teenager and I had one then, we all did. I even had a mullet wig, which got me into no end of bother (it's a sorry tale involving nails, vegetables, lost jobs and a lot of spilt milk and you can read all about it here). I am going to assume this phrase is referring to free tarot readings, except they're not free anymore.

"av kort pr" ... this sounds like a virus someone's picked-up. Hope they didn't catch it on my site.

Words of the Zodiac

When I wrote the previous post, the idea was to briefly mention my Zodiac Profile and then lead into my idea for a new blog. Unfortunately, I got somewhat carried away and it didn't work out that way.

I am therefore writing a new post to explain my idea for a new blog. The idea is that each day I will choose two words at random from whatever item of published material I have to hand and use them to predict the kind of day everyone is likely to have depending on their zodiac sign. Now obviously this is all very much 'tongue-in-cheek', but I've been writing weekly ones on my humour site for a while now and they've proven surprisingly accurate in many cases.

If you like the idea, especially if the forecast for your sign applies to you, please leave a comment. You can even leave a comment if you think the idea is pathetically stupid (I will cry, but I need the feedback). I also don't know what to call the blog. Words of the Zodiac? Zodiac Words? Witty Woman's Witty Words? No, not the latter, that sounds like a general blog - would have been a good title for this actually, now I come to think of it.

Anyway, please let me know what you think. Here are today's words:

Aries ... STORE - NOTHING
This is obvious enough. You will go to the store to buy something, but it won't be available so you'll leave with nothing. You're obviously not a woman then, because women never leave stores with nothing.

Taurus ... JOKES - LENGTH
Well this is typical Taurus, telling jokes that last forever but aren't actually very funny, especially as you nearly always forget the punchline or get it wrong. Try to tell shorter ones today, OK?

Gemini ... SEVENTEENTH - THIRD-FLOOR
Not sure what to make of this. Your seventeenth trip to the third floor of a building, maybe? Or visiting flat/apartment/hotel room 17 on the third floor? Or revisiting a third-floor you visited on the 17th?

Cancer ... DYING - LAURA
Not sure I should include this one really, but try to look at it positively. Maybe you are dying to get to know someone called Laura better, in which case today could be the day. If not, best forget it.

Leo ... BEDSIDE - SIZE
Strange combination. Are you thinking of buying a new bed? Maybe it's a warning to make sure there is enough room at the side of your bed to get in and out easily. You don't want to get stuck between the bed and the wall.

Virgo ... HUNGER - TIMING
Clearly you have to make sure you eat at regular times today, or maybe time your appointments so they don't clash with mealtimes. Or maybe something will run late and cause you to miss a meal.

Libra ... ARMS - BRANCHES
Well, these two sort of go together, don't they. Today you have to make like a tree and entwine your arms around someone. Shouldn't be difficult, Librans will entwine around anybody who smiles at them.

Scorpio ... OVER - FIFTEEN
Maybe something will finish at 3 pm (1500 hours) - well, school here does for a start, except it isn't a schoolday today. Just make a note of what happens at 3 pm, because it probably won't ever happen again.

Sagittarius ... CARRIES - PARANOIA
Maybe this means exactly what it says, that all Sagittarians carry paranoia around with them and today will be no exception. Does that sound as if I am getting at you? There you are then, you're paranoid.

Capricorn ... BECAUSE - UMBRELLA
You will get wet today because you forgot your umbrella. You can actually stop this prediction coming true with one simple act - take your umbrella.

Aquarius ... TEN - RODE
You will be going somewhere for a ride today and there will be nine other people with you, making a total of ten going along for the ride. That's it, really, although you might like to dwell happily on what you may be riding in or on.

Pisces ... SITUATION - WERE
Were is a funny word really, but it sort of suggests the past, so it looks as if you will be in a situation you have been in before. This isn't unusual, Pisceans are always swimming backwards and forwards.

Words taken from: LIGHTNING by Dean R. Koontz

Astrologically Knitting Chocolate Music

I did this zodiac quiz the other day and it gave me a Gemini personality, like so:

Discover your Zodiac Personality @ Quiz Me

Now, this is quite interesting because I'm actually a Scorpio (very much so) with Virgo rising and a large clump of planets in Libra. For those to whom it makes sense, I have all my planets in one half of my chart (houses 1-6) and an unaspected Sun. To those who can make no sense of this, read on ...

The fact that I came out as a "Gemini personality" is interesting insofar as Gemini is on my Midheaven, which basically means I am most suited to careers associated with that sign, which in its very basic sense means I should follow a career which involves using words. Well, I have no argument with that.

I also have to admit that the description of me is spot-on, especially the last bit. I never finish anything. I have a box upstairs full of things I started knitting, mainly for my eldest daughter when she was little. She's 24 now. Even my youngest daughter (half her age) would be too old for them if I suddenly thought "I want to KNIT!" and finished them. One thing the above description failed to mention was "You never throw anything away". It also failed to mention that sometimes I do strange things that don't fit in with my Eccentric Bohemian Hermit personality at all, such as making clothing items with needles and balls of wool.

I have to admit that I've never really got on with Gemini people. This isn't surprising though, as the majority of Water signs find Air Signs too shallow. This isn't meant to be insulting, it's simply that Water signs are very deep and Air signs aren't, they're far more wysiwyg. Water signs could never be described as wysiwyg. My mother is an Air sign (Aquarius) and we've always clashed, because she simply can't see beyond the surface of anything. It's either black or it's white, there are never any grey areas. My life consists of nothing but grey areas.

I have two sons who are Air signs, too. They were both meant to be Scorpios but they were born too soon (my eldest only had to be a few days late but no, he had to be a typical Libran and arrive on the exact day he was due) and they are just the same - it either is or it isn't, there is no room for manouevre. At least my other three came out right - two Cancerians (both born on the same day, ten years apart) and a Pisces.

For those of you who know who I am talking about, my natal chart (horoscope to those not in the know) is more or less exactly the same as that of the Scottish singer Lulu. We were born on the same day (a few years apart) and our Ascendants are almost exactly the same. All our planets are in the same places, too, apart from one - Jupiter. Lulu has this smack-bang in her first house, giving her opportunity by the bucketload, whereas mine is somewhere where it doesn't do me any good at all (I forget where). I could easily have met Lulu, too (although I didn't), because my mother used to work with her auntie, although she never called her Lulu, she called her "Our Marie".

And yes, I can sing - very well, as it happens. I was once mistaken for Kate Bush and offered the chance to make a demo disc, but I turned it down. I'm far too introverted to stand on a stage and open my mouth - ugh, the thought makes me want to be sick. Unless something has gone wrong somewhere astrologically-speaking, poor Lulu must have consumed thousands of anti-panic tablets in her career. I feel for her, she's my astrological sister.

My youngest daughter can also sing. She's been given the lead several times in her school Christmas concerts and she's been writing her own songs (music and lyrics)since she was knee-high to the proverbial grasshopper. They're incredibly mature too (usually about lost love, except she's never had a love to lose yet, she's only twelve). Her voice is sort of turning operatic, which is a great shame because I can't afford to send her for training. The amount these voice coaches charge is unbelievable, we wouldn't be able to eat for a week. My middle son can also sing, he was in the Welsh Eisteddfod several years in a row singing solo and my youngest son is also quite the little warbler.

Talking of my youngest son, at the moment he is in Birmingham at the Cadbury's chocolate factory. I have no doubt that he will come home covered from head to foot in gooey brown stuff, which will be inconvenient to say the least as my washing machine isn't working. This is because whenever I have used it recently it has been leaking from the pipe at the back and now it won't come on when I switch it on. My cooker won't work either, but luckily I have a combination microwave/oven so I use that.

Here endeth today's lesson on "How to go from astrology to broken domestic appliances via knitting, middle-aged popstars, singing and chocolate in one easy blog posting", otherwise known as "How to prattle on about a load of absolute rubbish because you've got nothing better to do and you really love annoying people".

Illegal Farting in the Gym

I went into Outlook Express earlier and immediately committed an illegal operation (coupled with a strange farting noise). I rebooted twice, but it kept doing it. Turned out the only way I could get it working again was to delete my folders.dbx file, which basically meant I lost all my emails.

Now, this is a disaster for me because I have a LOT of impor­tant info stored in emails, but so far the only programs I've found that will retrieve them need paying for. I can't see the point of an email program that is going to do this sort of thing, because it's not the first time it's happened. Apparently OE isn't meant to be used as a filing system, but where else can you store the emails? If you take them out of OE, it can't read them. Well, it can if you convert them to eml files as opposed to dbx files, but I think you probably need a program to do that, too.

Talking of farting (as opposed to strange farting noises), my daughter was pushed down a level in P.E. (Physical Education) on Friday because she farted in the gym. Actually, it was more because she couldn't stop laughing about it and disrupted the class because nobody else could stop laughing about it either. Stupid reason to push somebody down a level if you ask me. I can only assume the teacher was jealous because her farts have never been anything to laugh about.