Celine Dion is Haunting My Computer!

My computer is acting very strangely, very strangely indeed. I know there is probably a simple technical explanation for what I am about to tell you, but not being technically-minded I have no idea what it might be. Needless to say, if anyone reading this does have an idea, please tell me.

Last night, before I went to bed, I played a few games of back­gammon on said computer. At that point, there were no other programs running. After I'd finished, I clicked the start button, then the shutdown button. At the same time as I pressed the latter, the most amazing thing happened. CELINE DION SANG TO ME.

I kid you not, Celine Dion really did start singing to me. She was singing "Titanic" and the actual words she sang were "Once more, you opened the door, and you ...", at which point she was cut off in her prime because the computer closed down. I sat there open-mouthed, I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I do have that song on my hard-drive, but I haven't played it in a while and I'd had none of my music players running yesterday. How could Celine just start singing to me like that?

This morning I switched on the computer and as my desktop appeared, so did Celine. This time she sang "Near, far, wherever you are" at me. She stopped there, at the point where all the icons appeared and the desktop was fully loaded. I decided to try rebooting to see what happened and this time she started singing when I hit the restart button - the same words exactly as she sang to me last night when I shut down.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?! As I said, I'm sure there's a rational explanation for this (although I wouldn't be saying that now if I didn't have that song on my hard drive, I'd be calling Psychics Anonymous). And even if there is a rational explanation, could those words mean anything? Is someone from afar going to open a door to me? Is this a real door, or a metaphorical door?

You've got to admit, this is mighty peculiar. I'm not averse to a nice song, but Celine really shouldn't start singing at people like that unannounced, it just isn't right. If anyone else has experienced Celine Dion singing to them like this (or any other person), or if you have even the remotest inkling what this is all about, please let me know.

Oh No! Not the F Word Again!

Yesterday, my almost eight-year-old son lost a tooth at school. When it was time for bed he realised he'd forgotten to bring it home, so had to write a note to the Tooth Fairy. In the note, he said he would leave the tooth the following night and could he please have his money.

Today, he left the tooth at school again. When he went to bed he wrote another note, explaining the situation and promising to leave the tooth under his pillow tomorrow night.

He read the note out to me and I almost fell through the floor when he calmly said, "I'm sorry Tooth Fairy, I'm afraid it's the F word again". I braced myself for what might be to come ... you can imagine my relief when he went on to say "Yes, I FORGOT it today as well".

Sky-Blue-Pink With Yellow Dots On

Whenever I am in a hurry, I always encounter delays that normally never happen and they nearly always involve supermarkets. Sod's Law is rife in my part of the world and yesterday it reared its ugly head again.

I had about eighty minutes to get to the supermarket and back so I could play in an online cribbage tournament. Anyway, all went very well, I whizzed round the aisles grabbing this, that and the other (I like grabbing a bit of the other) and reached the check-out with half-an-hour to spare.

I am always careful when I choose which check-out to go to and, oddly enough, I tend to go for one with the shortest line This is what I did today. There were only two people ahead of me, neither of whom was buying very much, but there may as well have been a hundred and two. The woman at the front of the queue was paying with a card and, of course, the card refused to go through. In the end she decided she would have to leave the supermarket and go outside to the hole-in-the-wall to draw some cash out.

I went to another till where there was only one person waiting and what do you know? They decided that they didn't like the hole in their loaf of bread after all, so I had to wait while an assistant went to fetch another one. When I finally reached the cigarette counter, I couldn't believe what I saw. There hadn't been that many people in the supermarket, but suddenly it was absolutely teeming. A school had obviously closed for the morning session because it looked as if an entire classroom was queuing up to buy cigarettes, sweets, drinks - you name it.

There was a slight gap between one group of kids clustered around one of the fridges and the queue, so I slipped in between and hoped nobody would notice, just in case they were really in the queue I was joining. This meant there were only four people in front of me, a group of teenagers who all seemed to be together. One of them was an African girl wearing a pair of beige trousers and the strangest shoes I've ever seen. They had very pointed toes and were white with pink and yellow spots and a bright blue ribbon. To say they looked peculiar with the trousers would be an understatement. I couldn't stop staring at them.

When I finally made my way out, I had to run to the bus-stop. Needless to say, I'd missed the bus I'd intended catching and had to wait for the next one. Miraculously, there was no one on it so it went straight to my destination without stopping. I made it back with four minutes to spare before my tournament started. I needn't have bothered as it happens, I went out in the first round.

What puzzles me is, why is it that when I have time to kill before my bus goes, I find empty check-outs by the dozen and no queues at the cigarette counter? I have never been able to work that one out.

I've Got Crabs!

I've just been checking my site stats and I noticed that someone had been directed to this site after entering "hermits - crab" in Google. This site is 18th out of 111,000 for "hermits - crab", putting it on the second page of results, which is amazing considering it's only been here five minutes.

Even more amazing is the fact that this site has absolutely nothing to do with "hermits - crab". I have a feeling I may have mentioned them once, but I could be getting confused with hermit thrushes. There's no mention of crabs in my keywords, either.

What people enter in Google has always amazed me. I have an article on my website entitled Talk Dirty To Me and you'd be surprised how many people enter exactly those words into search engines. Why would anyone ask a search engine to "talk dirty" to them? What do they expect it to say?

I always try to choose titles that search engines will like, ones that the people using search engines will look for. It's always a good idea to have a few pieces dotted around that can include keywords connected with sex in your metatags, because they're always the ones that get searched on the most. Titles are important for the same reason, because search engines use those a lot as well.

I don't know whether the person searching for "hermits - crab" stayed long on my site, but I hope they enjoyed their visit. Chances are if they'd entered the more obvious "crabs - hermit" (or even more obvious, just "hermit crabs") they would never have been sent here.

STOP PRESS
I've since discovered that I'm also 17th out of 159,000 for "hermits" on its own, so maybe Google sort of ignored the bit about the crabs. Probably just as well.

I am Not Really Me, But I am Me Really

If my profile looks different today, it's because it's not the same profile. The old one is still in the system, but this is a brand-new one, with a number beginning with 4 instead of 1. There is a reason for this.

I first joined back in August 2003, but I only posted two entries. I didn't even understand how the system worked and I ended-up with a blog called "Watch That Dinosaur" or something equally silly, when it was meant to be the entry title. Both entries vanished off the face of the earth quicker than dinosaurs and I doubt very much that anybody visited them. It all seemed very silly to me so I went away and didn't come back until this September, when I started this blog and deleted the old one.

Because I'd joined a year previously, it meant that although I was posting like crazy and had at least an average of one post a day (more than that when I first started), my profile showed me as having joined a year previously and having an average of 0 per day (well it would, seeing as theoretically I'd been here around 400 days and had only posted a handful of entries). I realised I would have to be here for months on end to get an average of even one a week.

I didn't like this at all, it made me look as if I had nothing to say, when in fact the opposite is true (most of the time, even I have my quiet moments - it's called "sulking"). So, I contacted the nice Support people to see if they could alter the date, but apparently it isn't possible. They said the only way to do anything about it was to rejoin under a new name, invite myself to join, then delete the old name, or something like that.

I got very confused with all this and I didn't want to delete my old name in case my blogs disappeared, so I gave up. Then it started annoying me again, so I contacted the nice Support people again (for about the twentieth time, I think) and finally someone sent me a helpful idiot guide. This meant I had to change my original name to something else, then rejoin completely under my original name (which I could use again because of course it was now something else), then delete my old name.

Of course, I'm not daft (oh no I'm not), so I knew that I would need to copy out all my profile info so I could paste it into the new one. Now I need to write five posts as quickly as possible because none of my posts are showing, they're all on the old profile, because theoretically they were written by someone else, except really of course it was me. And the old profile has no blogs on it, because the old me doesn't have those blogs anymore, the new me does.

The main problem is that the profiles aren't updating properly (well, they haven't been for a while), so there is no information at all on mine as to when I joined or how many average posts I've done or anything, so I have no idea if that aspect of it is working or not. Maybe I need to post something for it to kick-in, so here we go ... (fingers crossed).

Does Your Dog Have Balls?

OK, I've heard it all now. We all know that Americans can be several states short of a full continent half the time (oh yes they can), but SILICONE TESTICLE IMPLANTS FOR DOGS? What the hell are they thinking of? I think over here the RSPCA would have something to say.

As a journalist on the programme has just said (it's on Channel 5 as I write), it says nothing about the dog, but it says a lot about the (male) owner ... SMALL PENIS.

Come on America, stop wasting time and money on crap like this and use it to benefit humanity. This is the craziest thing I've ever heard. It's also unbelievably cruel.

What's Your Magical Personality?

I found this rather interesting quiz on Perfectly Vocal's blog, so I thought I'd give it a try. You can take it yourself here: The Magical Personality Quiz.

Your Q Score is: 10
The Q score ideally should be as small as possible, indicating maximum agreement among elements. However, even a tiny Q score may not mean optimal functioning, since all four elements may in fact be relatively undeveloped.

Your Primary Mythical Creature

Air Types

The main strength of the Air types is intellect. The second element indicates the most probable focus for this intellectual activity.

Unicorn

Air with Water

Astrologically associated with Gemini and the Third House

Unicorn types are very concerned with the communication of ideas. They are witty and likeable but can also be quite shy. They are easily bored and easily distracted, and may seem unpredictable and superficial for this reason. Actually they are very deep and are usually trying to find the connections between the people and things around them. They are highly imaginative but not very practical. They love knowledge for its own sake and are not concerned about putting it to use. They are socially astute and sensitive to others’ feelings, but may still appear somewhat aloof. They are drawn to grand schemes for unifying people but these often don’t extend beyond the initial idea. Very logical and rational, Unicorn types are also unconventional and even bizarre. Other people may regard them as fey or just strange.

Comment
Well, just look at that last bit - "unconventional ... strange" - what more could an Eccentric Bohemian Hermit hope to hear? I am even quite happy to be called "bizarre". "Witty" - well, that's true too, is it not my profile name? The rest of this is all pretty accurate, really. I've always been highly imaginative but totally impractical and although I'm nowhere near as shy as I used to be, I am still not the sort of person who is comfortable with strangers. I suppose I could be called an extrovert on paper, but in 'real life' I am totally the opposite.

All this ties in with the astrological personality quiz I did the other week, which gave me a Gemini personality. You can read about that (and take the quiz yourself) if you click here.

Your Shadow Creature

Fire Types

All the Fire types have problems relating to anger and aggression. The weakest element indicates the main focus of these problems.

Phoenix

Fire and Earth

This shadow is prone to a sense of stagnation due to lack of motivation and laziness. Nothing durable is ever produced. Practical activities may never be embarked upon. There is an underlying sense of futility and hopelessness. Disillusionment results from their lack of confidence that they can change anything for the better, and in any case they do not have the will. At the same time there is an underlying grandiosity and even megalomania reflected in their dreams and aspirations. They need to feel special. Instead, they may simply overindulge or neglect themselves physically. The biggest obstacle of weak Earth is to overcome self-centeredness and greed; the biggest obstacle of weak Fire is to overcome anger and aggression.

Comment
I have to admit that the first sentence is accurate - I am incredibly lazy and I do lack motivation. I suppose I do sometimes feel that I can't improve anything - certainly I've felt a lot like that lately, but I blame that on the menopause. The last part I don't really agree with, I admit that I can be self-centred (note UK spelling here), but I'm not greedy. Aggressive? Well, maybe in my younger days, not so much now. Angry? At circumstances often yes, but not so much at people (unless they're idiots).

Interesting that I should get the Phoenix really, because this is one of the symbols associated with my sun-sign of Scorpio. I certainly seem to have spent my entire life rising from various piles of ashes.

Name Your Private Parts!

Yesterday I visited Bacon, Cheese & Oatcakes, where mention was made in a blog entry about a site where you can name certain parts of your anatomy. Purely out of interest, you understand, I thought I'd have a go. I entered my first name and was told that my "boobies" were named Beavis & Butthead. I didn't like the sound of this at all, so I added my surname and was rewarded with Abercrombie & Fitch, which I'm sure you'll agree sounds far classier.

I then decided to try Witty Woman and it came up with the following, which I've decided to keep because I rather like it:

Your Boobies' Names are: The Blind Melons

Get your own Boobie Names

My ex-husband always used to call those parts of my anatomy "Doris & Gladys" (or was it "Ethel & Gladys"?) ... (and why do men always name them anyway?). I don't recall referring to his personal appendage by any particular name, but I might have done if I'd known it was called Dirk Diggler.

I am Not a Cookie or a Turd!

A message was left on my last entry by Lynn, in which she mentions the fact that a hermit is not only a recluse, but also "some kind of spiced cookie".

I therefore went to look the word up myself and I discovered that it is actually "a spiced cookie made with molasses, raisins, and nuts". Now, I have never heard of this food item and as the dictionary in question (Dictionary.com) is American, I suspect it's "an American thing". It must be if you think about it, because we would call it a biscuit.

I want it to be known that I am most definitely NOT a spiced cookie, or any other kind of cookie. I am not even a biscuit. I would, however, be quite happy to be something else I found on Dictionary.com, namely a Hermit Thrush, even if they are American, as I rather like the fact that they have "retiring habits, but a sweet song". This actually describes me rather well because I do have a lovely singing voice and a friend once likened it to that of a nightingale ... and I wasn't even singing in Berkeley Square.

The only aspect of being a Hermit Thrush that would bother me is what looks like its Latin name, namely "Turdus Pallasii". The second word is OK, but I have no desire to be associated with a word like "turdus". Even more worrying is the fact that "Turdus Pallasii" also seems to be an alternative name for "hermit", without the thrush bit on the end.

I have to admit that I would rather be a cookie than a turd.

A Mysterious Cup of Tea

The comment on my last entry from Freddy, alias Angry Old Man, led me to visit his blog, where I left a comment on his article Blackpool Illuminations.

In this comment I mentioned that the three old sisters who used to live next-door when I was a kid used to go to Blackpool Illuminations every year. These old ladies also used to go on mystery tour coach trips almost every Sunday afternoon throughout the summer and once a year they went away for a week on a sort of Mystery Tour collection holiday.

One year, the day after they'd gone away on their weekly Mystery Tour, my mother suddenly commented that she could hear noises coming from their house. We all listened and sure enough, we could hear them too. They seemed to be coming from the kitchen mainly and sounded like someone banging crockery about.

My mother sent my father round to investigate, although he wasn't really keen on the idea and said he felt it was more a job for the Police. After a few minutes he came back, grinning all over his face and saying we'd all been invited next-door for a cup of tea.

If you haven't guessed by now, the Mystery Tour the three old sisters went on that particular day ended-up in their own home town of all places. As they didn't fancy a trip round their own home town very much (something this lady will understand very well), they left the coach party and nipped home for a quick cuppa.

Neighbourly Notes

The man next-door is really getting on my nerves. He lives on his own (in a 3-bedroomed house) and spends all his time at home apart from first thing in the morning when he goes to the shop at the end of the road (in his car) to buy a daily paper. He has no visitors to speak of, apart from his two granddaughters, who come over every now and again at the weekend.

He's a couple of years younger than me, but acts like someone much older. He apparently has kidney problems, which is why he doesn't work anymore. Recently he disappeared for a couple of months and only turned-up every now and again. He stayed a short while and then left again, so presumably he was collecting his post. I assumed he was living elsewhere, probably with a girlfriend, and it seems I was right as he turned-up with one a couple of weeks ago.

The problem is he can't stand any kind of noise. My house is totally quiet when the kids are at school because I don't make any noise (hermits rarely do) and there isn't any noise to speak of until the early evening when school and after-school clubs are over and both kids are here and even then it's not all the time and it doesn't last long. I admit my youngest son can be a bit noisy, but it's nothing any different to any other boy his age. The strange thing is, the only noises he seems to hear are the ones coming from my daughter's bedroom, which are usually either one or other of the kids using her electric organ, or my daughter moving position on her bed. Maybe he spends all his time in bed or something.

He has also moaned at me a couple of times for shouting at the kids, but everybody shouts at their kids from time to time. Invariably, the reason I am shouting at them is to tell them to shut-up and more often than not I want them to shut-up so the man next-door doesn't start moaning about the noise they're making.

When he turned-up with this girlfriend, within seconds of them arriving she appeared on my doorstep to invite the kids round, supposedly to play in the garden with his granddaughters. I thought this was odd as he'd never invited them round - turns out they spent the entire time telling them off for making a noise, with the man next-door constantly saying "You couldn't hope to have a nicer neighbour than me".

Today I was at the computer and the kids were upstairs in said daughter's bedroom, together with a friend of my daughter's who'd come round. I could hear no noise from there at all, but suddenly the man next-door bellowed something through the wall. I went upstairs to ask the kids if they'd heard what he said and apparently he'd shouted "Shut-up!" a couple of times. It seems my son was playing the electric organ (which is against the party wall). I hadn't heard it. Yesterday he shouted at my son to "Give your voice a rest" because he was singing.

All was quiet again, the only noise being the television in the lounge which my son was watching and it certainly wasn't loud, when suddenly I saw a dark shadow against the lounge window and someone knocked on it. I recognised the man next-door but there was no way I was going out there to listen to him ranting and raving, especially as I couldn't hear any noise from upstairs.

Nevertheless, I went upstairs, where I found my daughter sitting quietly on her bed playing Snake on her mobile phone and her friend sitting quietly on the floor looking through her Play Station games. I asked her if they'd been making any noise and it seems the only noise had been my daughter shifting position on her bed. OK, the bed is against the party wall and it's a bit creaky, but I can't move it because it's a huge cabin bed and it's just too heavy.

Next thing I know a note is pushed through my front door saying that "yet again" I have forced him out of his house with the noise. What noise? A couple of minutes playing a tune on the piano and a few seconds shifting position on a bed? Anyway, he was lying because his car never moved from where he parks it IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE and he never walks anywhere.

Now, this guy's girlfriend seems to have done a bunk. He is back living in his own house again and she hasn't been round since the first time, so I think maybe he is just in a foul mood because he has been thwarted in love. Well tough, his love life ain't my problem. Admittedly, he's moaned occasionally before, but nowhere near as much as this. He should be grateful we don't have music blaring out all day.

And did I complain when the sound of his radio woke me up this morning? No, I didn't. Maybe it's time I wrote him a note.

Yeah, I Know, You Got the P Upside-Down

OK, time for a rant. I've spared you long enough and now I simply must let rip.

First of all, I would like to say that as an atheist I would not consider myself able to declare myself as such if I hadn't made a study of the Bible. In my humble opinion, it's somewhat foolish to say you don't believe in something or disagree with it if you know nothing about it (although the logic behind this seems to escape the non-atheists). However, I do feel that something is slightly cockeyed when an atheist knows more about the Bible than someone who calls themselves a "pastor".

I'm not going into any great detail because you never know who's watching and I don't want to be sued for libel (hey, that rhymes with Bible). All I will say is this: Shouldn't a "pastor" know the difference between "John the Baptist" and "John the BABtist"???

And to all the Christian fundamentalists who are reading this and about to send me a message like the one at the end of this entry, study this first:

I am Nothing!

Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?
Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes

The only thing I would take issue on here is the not being interested in the meaning of life bit as quite the opposite is true. I have always spent a great deal of time pondering that question and I still haven't come up with any real answers, although I have an awful lot of theories. Needless to say, none of them involve religion.

Maybe now I'll get a fair sprinkling of comments?!

Swopping Bricks

My twelve-year-old daughter just doesn't seem to understand what a mobile phone is for. She is on her fourth at the moment. The first two disappeared (I strongly suspect both are some­where amongst the debris in her bedroom) and the third one only lasted a week because it was a "brick". Her father had to give his old one to his mother (who is at least 83 and does not need a mobile phone), order a new one for himself and swop it with my daughter for the brick.

As far as I can see (but correct me if I'm wrong) the purpose of a MOBILE phone is to be contactable when you're ... well, mobile. The only reason I prefer my daughter to have one is so I can check on her whereabouts, tell her to come home, find out how far from home she is and so on. More often than not, when I ring her the phone is either switched off or the battery has run out. The reason the battery runs out is because she has been playing games on it for hours on end.

As far as she is concerned, if her mobile phone doesn't have the right games, isn't able to send picture messages and doesn't have an internet connection so she can download polyphonic ringtones, it's a brick and she doesn't want it. The current one meets the first two categories but not the latter. My mobile phone meets the first and the last, but not the second. However, she has decided that polyphonic ringtones are more important than picture messages, so her current project is trying to persuade me to swop my brick with hers.

Having said that, she only wants mine until Christmas, when she is expecting me to buy her a phone that not only plays games, sends messages and downloads polyphonic ringtones, but also takes photographs and videos. I am so fed-up of the whole business I may just go to the nearest builders yard and buy her a brick.

My Bra is Well Worth Visiting

We appear to be getting somewhere now. With regard to my last post, I received an email (unfortunately I deleted it by mistake so I can't say who it was from) telling me that "besøk" doesn't mean "berserk" after all (I never really thought it did, but I must admit to a slight twinge of disappointment knowing for sure that it doesn't, although I'm not entirely sure why), it means "visit".

I am going to have a stab at the whole phrase now and hazard a guess that "vel vært ett besøk" means "well worth a visit". Of course, I had a big clue here insofar as I am already aware that my site is "well worth a visit", or "vel vært ett besøk" if you happen to be Norwegian. I am still somewhat concerned about the "Bra side" bit, though. It sounds as if my site is well worth a visit because the side of my bra is visible on it. IT'S NOT THAT SORT OF SITE!!!

And I'm still puzzling over the free leggings ...

Are You Norwegian?

"Bra side - vel vært ett besøk. Flere interesante artikler, linker, mulighet for gratis legging av kort pr. e-mail m.m."

Three people have visited my tarot site today from a foreign site that for some reason is linking to it. I went there to find out what they had to say about me, which was when I discovered it was a foreign site. I thought maybe it was Danish or something, but I stuck the text in a language identifier and apparently it's Norwegian. I therefore desperately need someone familiar with Norwegian to translate the above for me.

I am most concerned about the first two words, particularly the first. What has my site to do with brassiers? It seems that several other sites they link to are connected with brassiers, too. And what does the "side" bit mean? Brassiers on the side? As for that sixth word, is it saying I am berserk?

I think maybe words 7-9 ("Flere interesante artikler") mean "Very interesting articles", "linker" is obviously "links", but then we have another strange phrase: "mulighet for gratis legging". Now, gratis must be "free", but since when was I offering free leggings? Then again, it could be that I am offering "mulighets" in exchange for free leggings.

And "mulighet" - is that "mullet"? I don't have a mullet, I didn't even know what they were until the other day. Crikey, they were in fashion when I was a teenager and I had one then, we all did. I even had a mullet wig, which got me into no end of bother (it's a sorry tale involving nails, vegetables, lost jobs and a lot of spilt milk and you can read all about it here). I am going to assume this phrase is referring to free tarot readings, except they're not free anymore.

"av kort pr" ... this sounds like a virus someone's picked-up. Hope they didn't catch it on my site.

Words of the Zodiac

When I wrote the previous post, the idea was to briefly mention my Zodiac Profile and then lead into my idea for a new blog. Unfortunately, I got somewhat carried away and it didn't work out that way.

I am therefore writing a new post to explain my idea for a new blog. The idea is that each day I will choose two words at random from whatever item of published material I have to hand and use them to predict the kind of day everyone is likely to have depending on their zodiac sign. Now obviously this is all very much 'tongue-in-cheek', but I've been writing weekly ones on my humour site for a while now and they've proven surprisingly accurate in many cases.

If you like the idea, especially if the forecast for your sign applies to you, please leave a comment. You can even leave a comment if you think the idea is pathetically stupid (I will cry, but I need the feedback). I also don't know what to call the blog. Words of the Zodiac? Zodiac Words? Witty Woman's Witty Words? No, not the latter, that sounds like a general blog - would have been a good title for this actually, now I come to think of it.

Anyway, please let me know what you think. Here are today's words:

Aries ... STORE - NOTHING
This is obvious enough. You will go to the store to buy something, but it won't be available so you'll leave with nothing. You're obviously not a woman then, because women never leave stores with nothing.

Taurus ... JOKES - LENGTH
Well this is typical Taurus, telling jokes that last forever but aren't actually very funny, especially as you nearly always forget the punchline or get it wrong. Try to tell shorter ones today, OK?

Gemini ... SEVENTEENTH - THIRD-FLOOR
Not sure what to make of this. Your seventeenth trip to the third floor of a building, maybe? Or visiting flat/apartment/hotel room 17 on the third floor? Or revisiting a third-floor you visited on the 17th?

Cancer ... DYING - LAURA
Not sure I should include this one really, but try to look at it positively. Maybe you are dying to get to know someone called Laura better, in which case today could be the day. If not, best forget it.

Leo ... BEDSIDE - SIZE
Strange combination. Are you thinking of buying a new bed? Maybe it's a warning to make sure there is enough room at the side of your bed to get in and out easily. You don't want to get stuck between the bed and the wall.

Virgo ... HUNGER - TIMING
Clearly you have to make sure you eat at regular times today, or maybe time your appointments so they don't clash with mealtimes. Or maybe something will run late and cause you to miss a meal.

Libra ... ARMS - BRANCHES
Well, these two sort of go together, don't they. Today you have to make like a tree and entwine your arms around someone. Shouldn't be difficult, Librans will entwine around anybody who smiles at them.

Scorpio ... OVER - FIFTEEN
Maybe something will finish at 3 pm (1500 hours) - well, school here does for a start, except it isn't a schoolday today. Just make a note of what happens at 3 pm, because it probably won't ever happen again.

Sagittarius ... CARRIES - PARANOIA
Maybe this means exactly what it says, that all Sagittarians carry paranoia around with them and today will be no exception. Does that sound as if I am getting at you? There you are then, you're paranoid.

Capricorn ... BECAUSE - UMBRELLA
You will get wet today because you forgot your umbrella. You can actually stop this prediction coming true with one simple act - take your umbrella.

Aquarius ... TEN - RODE
You will be going somewhere for a ride today and there will be nine other people with you, making a total of ten going along for the ride. That's it, really, although you might like to dwell happily on what you may be riding in or on.

Pisces ... SITUATION - WERE
Were is a funny word really, but it sort of suggests the past, so it looks as if you will be in a situation you have been in before. This isn't unusual, Pisceans are always swimming backwards and forwards.

Words taken from: LIGHTNING by Dean R. Koontz

Astrologically Knitting Chocolate Music

I did this zodiac quiz the other day and it gave me a Gemini personality, like so:

Discover your Zodiac Personality @ Quiz Me

Now, this is quite interesting because I'm actually a Scorpio (very much so) with Virgo rising and a large clump of planets in Libra. For those to whom it makes sense, I have all my planets in one half of my chart (houses 1-6) and an unaspected Sun. To those who can make no sense of this, read on ...

The fact that I came out as a "Gemini personality" is interesting insofar as Gemini is on my Midheaven, which basically means I am most suited to careers associated with that sign, which in its very basic sense means I should follow a career which involves using words. Well, I have no argument with that.

I also have to admit that the description of me is spot-on, especially the last bit. I never finish anything. I have a box upstairs full of things I started knitting, mainly for my eldest daughter when she was little. She's 24 now. Even my youngest daughter (half her age) would be too old for them if I suddenly thought "I want to KNIT!" and finished them. One thing the above description failed to mention was "You never throw anything away". It also failed to mention that sometimes I do strange things that don't fit in with my Eccentric Bohemian Hermit personality at all, such as making clothing items with needles and balls of wool.

I have to admit that I've never really got on with Gemini people. This isn't surprising though, as the majority of Water signs find Air Signs too shallow. This isn't meant to be insulting, it's simply that Water signs are very deep and Air signs aren't, they're far more wysiwyg. Water signs could never be described as wysiwyg. My mother is an Air sign (Aquarius) and we've always clashed, because she simply can't see beyond the surface of anything. It's either black or it's white, there are never any grey areas. My life consists of nothing but grey areas.

I have two sons who are Air signs, too. They were both meant to be Scorpios but they were born too soon (my eldest only had to be a few days late but no, he had to be a typical Libran and arrive on the exact day he was due) and they are just the same - it either is or it isn't, there is no room for manouevre. At least my other three came out right - two Cancerians (both born on the same day, ten years apart) and a Pisces.

For those of you who know who I am talking about, my natal chart (horoscope to those not in the know) is more or less exactly the same as that of the Scottish singer Lulu. We were born on the same day (a few years apart) and our Ascendants are almost exactly the same. All our planets are in the same places, too, apart from one - Jupiter. Lulu has this smack-bang in her first house, giving her opportunity by the bucketload, whereas mine is somewhere where it doesn't do me any good at all (I forget where). I could easily have met Lulu, too (although I didn't), because my mother used to work with her auntie, although she never called her Lulu, she called her "Our Marie".

And yes, I can sing - very well, as it happens. I was once mistaken for Kate Bush and offered the chance to make a demo disc, but I turned it down. I'm far too introverted to stand on a stage and open my mouth - ugh, the thought makes me want to be sick. Unless something has gone wrong somewhere astrologically-speaking, poor Lulu must have consumed thousands of anti-panic tablets in her career. I feel for her, she's my astrological sister.

My youngest daughter can also sing. She's been given the lead several times in her school Christmas concerts and she's been writing her own songs (music and lyrics)since she was knee-high to the proverbial grasshopper. They're incredibly mature too (usually about lost love, except she's never had a love to lose yet, she's only twelve). Her voice is sort of turning operatic, which is a great shame because I can't afford to send her for training. The amount these voice coaches charge is unbelievable, we wouldn't be able to eat for a week. My middle son can also sing, he was in the Welsh Eisteddfod several years in a row singing solo and my youngest son is also quite the little warbler.

Talking of my youngest son, at the moment he is in Birmingham at the Cadbury's chocolate factory. I have no doubt that he will come home covered from head to foot in gooey brown stuff, which will be inconvenient to say the least as my washing machine isn't working. This is because whenever I have used it recently it has been leaking from the pipe at the back and now it won't come on when I switch it on. My cooker won't work either, but luckily I have a combination microwave/oven so I use that.

Here endeth today's lesson on "How to go from astrology to broken domestic appliances via knitting, middle-aged popstars, singing and chocolate in one easy blog posting", otherwise known as "How to prattle on about a load of absolute rubbish because you've got nothing better to do and you really love annoying people".

Illegal Farting in the Gym

I went into Outlook Express earlier and immediately committed an illegal operation (coupled with a strange farting noise). I rebooted twice, but it kept doing it. Turned out the only way I could get it working again was to delete my folders.dbx file, which basically meant I lost all my emails.

Now, this is a disaster for me because I have a LOT of impor­tant info stored in emails, but so far the only programs I've found that will retrieve them need paying for. I can't see the point of an email program that is going to do this sort of thing, because it's not the first time it's happened. Apparently OE isn't meant to be used as a filing system, but where else can you store the emails? If you take them out of OE, it can't read them. Well, it can if you convert them to eml files as opposed to dbx files, but I think you probably need a program to do that, too.

Talking of farting (as opposed to strange farting noises), my daughter was pushed down a level in P.E. (Physical Education) on Friday because she farted in the gym. Actually, it was more because she couldn't stop laughing about it and disrupted the class because nobody else could stop laughing about it either. Stupid reason to push somebody down a level if you ask me. I can only assume the teacher was jealous because her farts have never been anything to laugh about.

Missing Link

Why are the main pages of blogs and the profile pages so slow to update? And why on earth would one blog update on the profile page and not the other?

I posted to this blog 7 1/2 hours ago and the post is on my profile, yet the post I made 1 1/2 hours before that to my other blog isn't showing, nor is it included in the number of postings for that blog on the dashboard. I also updated the template of my other blog about 8 hours ago and that change hasn't manifested itself yet either.

Wonder if this one will make it before the 9 hour old one too, or turn-up sometime around Christmas?

Blithering Blogrolls

OK folks, we've got problems. The Blogrolling site is VERY POORLY (as I explained in my last blog) and I've found other sites today that are taking forever to load. When they do load, there is no Blogroll there, but it's obvious there should be.

I tried disabling mine but that didn't work, so I've removed it totally and the page loads in record time now. I suggest all of you with Blogrolls do the same until the site is sorted out, otherwise you are going to scare all your potential visitors away because it takes me about a minute to load these sites and I'm on 500K broadband. I hate to think how long it's taking for people on dial-up - probably so long they time-out.

Of course, this means that epistemological (try saying that when you've had a few) cannot reinstate me on her Blogroll, at least not for the moment. I shall, of course, be sending her regular reminders so she doesn't forget. In the meantime, if you click on the link to visit her page (which you will find at the bottom of her comment), please be patient if her blog takes a long time to load, depending on whether or not she has taken her Blogroll off yet.

I'm sure there was something else I wanted to say, but I can't remember what it was. I will therefore leave this unposted until I return from collecting my son from school. It may come to me en route. *

By the way, I've put a handy link to the Blogrolling site on this entry - you can try it out by clicking on the title (Blithering Bogrolls). Sometimes I can be both ingenious and helpful.

* It didn't.

STOP PRESS
Please scroll up and change "ingenious" to "stupid". I have had to take the handy link to Blogrolling off because ... well, because it stopped my blog from loading. DUHHHHHHHH.

Three-Quarter Year Resolutions

I must admit to having been a little bit puzzled (and yes, I admit it, irritated!) by Mick in the UK's remark on my Overnight Facelift entry, concerning the large expanse of space on the right-hand side of his screen. Everything fit perfectly into mine and there was very little spare space anywhere. As I said in my response, I hate wasted space.

Deciding that my hunch that it was caused by different screen resolutions was probably correct, I changed mine to 1024 x 768 and voila - about a third of the space on the right-hand side disappeared and the entire main section squashed itself into a much smaller area, the font size shrinking dramatically in the process. I thought about this for a while, then realised that when I'd made the tables I'd set them for pixel size, not percentage. I therefore popped into the template, switched them round and the main section immediately filled-up the space again.

Having checked my site stats, it appears that just over fifty per cent of people use the 1024 x 768 resolution that I presume Mick was using. Just over a quarter use 800 x 600, which is what I use. I think it's probably the monitor, but it's the only one that works properly on my computer. If I use 1024 x 768 everything is much smaller and it wouldn't even fit into the screen until I adjusted my monitor. Also, my desktop background shrinks and pushes itself to the left-hand side of the screen.

When I last had reason to read up on this kind of thing, everyone was advised to use 800 x 600 resolution as apparently the majority of websites were optimised to that. This is clearly the case with Boggler templates, because my other blog also has loads of spare space when I use the 1024 x 768 resolution and I haven't altered that one at all. I surfed around a few sites using that resolution and found quite a few with loads of unused space, all of them with "blogspot" at the end of the url.

Off I went to good old Google and entered "optimum screen resolutions", which produced this: "For optimum viewing, the screen resolution should be set to 1024 x 768. However, 800 x 600 is considered the 'web standard'. and our pages should display fine at this setting also. Higher resolutions should also display the site nicely." This was referring to this particular site, not sites in general. I also found another that advised visitors to change to 1024 x 768 (again described as their "optimum" setting) so they wouldn't have to use the scrollbars. Is this new preference for the higher resolution nothing more than laziness, I wondered? What's wrong with using the scrollbars? Gives your mouse some exercise for one.

So, if 1024 x 768 is "optimum", why is 800 x 600 "web standard"? And if 800 x 600 is "web standard", why do more than half of surfers appear to use 1024 x 768? I've never seen a single site that recommends that setting, but I regularly come across ones that say they are "best viewed at 800 x 600". Is this change something that has happened due to Windows XP? I am still on 98, so maybe that's why my pages look better in the lower resolution. I can't use the optimum colours either, if I do the page goes all blotchy and everyone looks as if they have the measles.

Unfortunately, it looks as if it will be beyond my limited technical capabilities to alter the template for my other blog, because there are no tables in it, just that weird Blogger code which doesn't even use font sizes I am used to, so I will have to totally redo that one myself. I think a lot of the problem is the fact that the sites are Blogspot ones, because my own websites look fine in both resolutions. They're better in 800 x 600 yes, but that's probably because that's the resolution I designed them in. Nevertheless, they still fill the screen in the others, or at least in the ones I was able to check. I can't go any higher than 1024 x 768 or the screen starts flickering like crazy. Also, with most of them my taskbar vanishes.

I've just popped over to my old blog on Xanga (still there nearly 3 1/2 years after I last posted anything!) using the 1024 x 768 resolution and that looks exactly the same as it does in 800 x 600. However, coming back to this box I am typing in guess what's happened? The whole thing has pushed itself into the left-hand three-quarters of the screen and the font has shrunk. So, I think we can safely say that the problem is a Blogspot one, at least as far as blog templates are concerned. There may be other blogging sites that cause the same problem, but so far I haven't found any.

This resolution is OK, but everything seems so SMALL. Even if I change the text to "largest" in IE, it doesn't alter the text in this input box, nor does it alter the text on my entries on the main page. So, for that reason alone I can't use that resolution because it's hurting my eyes looking at this tiny print. Whether it's this tiny for other people viewing my blog I don't know, but I can't really alter it because of having to work with 800 x 600.

In some ways I can see why the other resolution is better, you don't have to scroll down so much for one thing, but it just doesn't work for me. I don't know if it's the computer, the operating system or the monitor, but probably the latter as it's by far the oldest of the three. Nevertheless, I am more than happy with this resolution, it works fine for me and I don't feel I'm missing out on anything. In any case, the taskbar is far too small with the other resolution, I can hardly see the icons!

Sorting out the appearance of the page wasn't the end of the matter, unfortunately. Since altering the table to percentage size instead of pixels, the site was taking forever to load and seemed to get stuck at a certain point about three-quarters of the way through. I'd not altered anything else apart from moving a few things from the left to the bottom, so as far as I could see it must have been the change in the tables.

After much trial and error, removing each separate piece of code and replacing it to isolate the guilty party, I finally discovered it was my Blogroll. On attempting to go to the site to see what was what, I found I couldn't get there. So, I have removed my Blogroll and will leave it removed until I can access the site again. I thought at first it was because I had too many sites on it (most of which probably don't even know I exist ... HINT HINT). Anyway, I think it was highly inconvenient of Blogroll's site to go down at the same time I changed my tables, thereby throwing me into a state of total confusion. I may have to email them and tell them so.

Incidentally, I couldn't test the other screen resolutions because of the flickering and/or my taskbar disappearing. If you are using one of them and the site really is impossible to read, let me know. I may be able to access those resolutions and sort it out if I adjust my monitor settings. If not, you'll just have to change your resolution while you're here - don't complain, you know I'm worth it.

This appears to be my longest entry so far (now you know why I joined the I Tend to Ramble and Verbosity blogrings). I'm sure I could have said all this in far fewer words. In fact, I could have said it in six short words - "I Want to Have an Affair!". If you're sitting there now going "Huh? What's she on about, the stupid [insert favourite expletive for describing annoying bloggers here]?" you will have to click the link to find out.

God is an Adolescent Virgin with Acne

It's been a while since I played The Sims, so tonight I thought I'd go check on my creations and see how they were doing. While it was loading (and loading, and loading ...), I went to the toilet, made a coffee, tidied the lounge ... it seemed to be taking far longer than usual, then WHOOSH! back I went to my desktop. It really annoys me when it does this. There's no reason for it, because sometimes it will work quite happily for several hours on the trot.

I hope The Sims 2 is better at loading than the original. I was actually envying the Americans this week, because they already have it and last I heard we had to wait until the 10th of October. Then I found out today that it is out here TOMORROW (actually TODAY, because we're already into Thursday, which means it was yesterday I found out, not today ... still with me?), which is rather annoying as I need to get a new PC before I can play it and I'll have to get that set-up and sorted first.

I've found a few cheap copies on eBay already, including one which is priced so low (£15 to be precise, the rrp being £39.99) there has to be a catch in it. And no, it isn't an auction, it's Buy it Now. There were four of them originally, now there's only one left and I am sorely tempted, but I'm not going to take the risk. I checked the feedback and it seems this person has sent out pirate copies of things before now, or DVD games advertised as being for the PC.

I went to the official Sims 2 site earlier and even though the game has only been out for a couple of days from what I can gather, there are custom-made houses and even families with histories already uploaded by people who've bought it. They must have been playing solidly for the last 48 hours without a break!

I also found myself at a site that gave away the money cheats (already) but I closed the window. I regretted discovering those the first time around. My Sims can damn well work for their money like everybody else has to. Well, I might have just one rich family, so everyone else can suffer from mad bouts of jealousy. One thing's for sure, it certainly won't be the Newbies. I think this time I'll kill them off fairly early on and let them be my first ghosts. I understand the ghosts will be more fun in this one, so I think Bob and Betty would be ideally suited to the role.

Playing a computer game for hours on end may seem a very strange way for a menopausal middle-aged woman to pass the time, but I'm not just any menopausal middle-aged woman, I'm a menopausal middle-aged SCORPIO woman. Anyone into astrology will understand exactly what I mean by that. It's the 'playing God' aspect of it really. I can create a life, control it, and even dispose of it if I so desire.

Even before I realised that The Sims was known as a 'God game', or even that there was such a thing, I hadn't failed to see the correlation. I was playing one day and suddenly had this impression of some geek up in the clouds with a computer, looking down at me and laughing maniacally as he clicked away with his mouse. In fact, the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. I see him as being a virgin of about 15, riddled with acne and almost insane with teenage angst.

Not everybody's idea of 'God' I don't suppose, but it certainly makes more sense to me than any other version. Just don't ask me to worship him.

Twittering About the Tarot

I started a new blog yesterday, which I have called Tarot Diary (click to visit). The idea is that each evening before I go to bed (or each early morning in my case) I will choose a tarot card at random and discuss various meanings for it in the diary. At the end of the following day (same day in my case) I will report back as to whether or not any of the meanings fit what has taken place.

I'll probably discuss other aspects of the tarot as well, so if you're interested in it, pop along and have a look! You can even earn yourself a free reading if you link to one of my sites (four to choose from!). Now how's that for generous???

Overnight Facelift

It's getting on for 11 am but I'm not fully awake yet. All this getting-up at the crack of dawn to take my son to school is doing my head in. He was an hour late getting there today and even then I felt like I was going out in the middle of the night.

Of course, it didn't help that I was up most of the night trying to sort out this blog. I just couldn't stand looking at that ghastly Blogger template any longer, so I went on a hunt for a new one. I found a few that I liked, but they always had something that either didn't work properly or wasn't quite right. I finally found one I did like, but it had those ghastly frames and there is no way I want those. I don't stay long on sites with frames.

Anyway, I like to see one large expanse of type, it works better for speed-readers and as far as I'm concerned it looks better. Apart from anything else, I need as much writing space as I can get, not a silly little window that you have to scroll down every ten seconds. It would probably be easier if I used the scroll ball thing on my mouse, but I never remember, I'm too used to doing it the old-fashioned way with the slider bars (much to my young son's annoyance, he's forever telling me to use the ball thing). Talking of slider bars, mine are still not showing coloured in the published version, but they are on the preview. I don't understand that at all.

There was one template I found which was really good, it had some quotation on it about "The Crazy Ones" which apparently is used in an Apple Mac advert and it did seem to describe me very well. Only trouble is, instead of it having a picture of Amelia Earhart (who I always confuse with Amy Johnson, so it could have been her instead, but I think it was Amelia), it had an empty input window which forced one of those damn QuickTime pop-up windows in my face everytime I loaded my blog. I was able to get rid of it, but then I couldn't get the rest of it to look right.

In the end I decided it was easier to create my own, so that's what I did. I kept what little of the old Blogger one I wanted, which was basically just a few links, and did the rest from scratch. I'm actually quite pleased with the end result, I think it looks rather fetching and certainly better than the old one. I might decide to change the little coloured boxes to text links and host the puritan thing on my own site to get rid of all the colour, or maybe it's OK to leave it in. Be interesting to see if anyone lets me know!

Yesterday I took my son down the road to play with one of the girls in his class. They have a puppy and a kitten who match - a sable-coloured Weimaraner and a similar coloured tabby or something. Anyway, I was trying not to laugh because the dog was called Dylan, which not only sounds a strange name for a dog (especially a Weimeraner), but is also my grandson's name. I didn't find out what the kitten is called, not sure I want to know really in case it turns out to be Caitlin.

Anyone Want to Buy My Genitals?

Here is a quiz result that describes me as "Pure as a Puritan". I noticed these quiz results on a few blogs so thought I'd pop along because I adore quizzes, but most of them just didn't apply to me at all. This is because they seemed to be aimed at an audience somewhat younger than myself.

As you can see, it says on this quiz result that I probably haven't been kissed or even held hands. Well, I'm not saying it isn't possible to have five children with three different fathers without kissing or holding hands, but it isn't true in my case.

And yes, I am most certainly over thirty, but I have no intention of killing myself or selling my genitals. As far as the latter is concerned, I doubt anyone would want to buy them anyway. I certainly wouldn't, I have no use for them right now (although once I am past 'a certain age' I will probably revert to my previous state of 'living in hope').

The aim of this quiz was to discover how much of a slut I am. Five children to three different fathers (only one of whom I was actually married to) sounds like I should have a very high score indeed, which just goes to prove that nothing is as it seems. I even managed to have five children to three different fathers without being a Burtons Girl!

For some much better quizzes, CLICK HERE. In one of these, I was a TOILET, which really is incredibly accurate, as you will see if you read this.

By the way, has anyone other than me noticed that SLUT is an anagram of LUST

Goolies and Ghoulies

Amazingly, I have found a blog written by someone called Christine who just happens to be an ex-Goolie like myself. For those of you who don't know, an ex-Goolie is someone who originated in the town of Goole. It's now located in East Yorkshire, but it's also been in North Humberside and the West Riding. The town is clearly as confused about its identity as those living in it or in any way associated with it (which, of course, includes me).

I wasn't just pleased about finding this ex-Goolie's site because she's an ex-Goolie (an ex-Goolie, incidentally, who reminds me very much of my Auntie Audrey - who, strangely enough, has a daughter called Christine), but also because, although we were at the same school at the same time, I started three years after she did which means (wait for it) ... SHE'S OLDER THAN ME. You can't imagine how musical that is to the ears of a woman of 'a certain age' like myself. It probably sounds somewhat discordant to poor Christine, but maybe she will be lucky and find the blog of an ex-Goolie who is three years older than her. I do hope so, because even after such a short acquaintance, I already think of Christine as my Goolish Blogging Sister.

There's a very funny website all about Goole called Goole-on-the-Web (oddly enough). It's been there for years and never seems to alter very much (rather like Goole really), but I'm sure someone must be updating it or it wouldn't still be there (not sure that applies to Goole, though). The site is probably only funny to those who know Goole, although I sent an American friend of mine there once and he thought it was funny, too. Then again, he's not a typical American because he understands sarcasm and irony (sort of). He can even use it sometimes and that is no mean feat.

I'm not going to say anything about the town of Goole or its inhabitants, because those who know the place will know all there is to know and those who don't know the place just wouldn't understand. Suffice it to say, the fact that "goolies" and "ghoulies" sound exactly the same means a great deal.

As I said, it's amazing that after only a few days of checking-out blogs I come across one from a fellow ex-Goolie. All other fellow ex-Goolies will understand just how amazing this. There can't be many of us about. In fact, it's quite possible that Christine and I are the only ones. Now, there's a ghoulish thought.

STOP PRESS!!!
It appears Christine and I are not the only blogging ex-Goolies. We are not a duo after all, we are a trio!!! There is another one by the name of Gavin Bryars. The name sounds vaguely familiar, but I am probably thinking of a friend of my mother's with the same surname. As for Christine's comment on this entry with regard to the "Burtons Girls", I have to say that my Auntie Kathleen used to work at Burton's. She definitely wasn't a "Burtons Girl", but she had to call herself "Kath" in order to appear to be one, otherwise she may have been rumbled.

Momentary Flashes on the Pan

I would like to thank Blog Bloke for letting me know how to reduce the number of entries that appear on my page. I have now been able to remove some of them and the page is much easier on the eye now, I think.

Now all I need to do is work out why my coloured slider bars are visible on the preview page but not on the published page and why the top line of every post is right-justified on the preview page but not on the published page. And I will find out, because I'm nothing if not stubborn.

Talking of Blog Bloke, yesterday I was reading one of his postings, Momentary Flash of Brilliance, where he talks about inspiration striking in awkward places, such as when you're on the toilet.

This happens to me all the time and I have to admit that most of my best ideas come to me when I am performing my ablutions. This is understandable though, as I do seem to have more ablutions to perform than the average person. So much so, that I was once crowned "Toilet Queen" after a vote between fellow members of my cribbage league.

Having lost several good ideas through forgetting them by the time I've finished abluting (I don't think that word exists, but I like the sound of it), I have taken to leaving pen and paper within easy reach of the toilet so I can use them if inspiration strikes at an awkward moment, but they always disappear before I have chance to use them.

It doesn't take much imagination to work out what visitors to my toilet might be doing with the paper, but I don't like to dwell too long on what they might be doing with the pens.

Yes, I've Changed it Again!

I did a quiz about an hour ago, which you can find at a site called Bloginality. There are only four questions, but the results were quite astonishing. I was an INTP, which stands for "Introverted - iNtuitive - Thinking - Perceiving" and gives me a primary focus on "introverted thinking with an extroverted intuition" (the website spelt it extraverted, but it's never looked right to me spelt that way, so I've changed it. I think maybe "extraverted" is the American version, I've never seen it spelt that way here).

I'm not entirely sure what an "extroverted intuition" is, but having read the description of this personality type, I can honestly say it is ME. More to the point, it is obvious to me, after clicking on various links and reading about this INTP personality, that what is being said here is that I am, amongst other things, strange, unconventional and unsociable. There are three very nice synonyms for these words, namely: eccentric, Bohemian and hermit. This is why I had no choice but to change the name of my blog to the one I considered but decided against yesterday.

Apparently, people of the INTP personality type are more likely than any others to be geniuses (Einstein was an INTP). I cannot disagree with this, because when I took the Mensa test some years ago I passed it, although I never bothered to join because the meetings were the same day as my Scrabble club and I didn't see the point in wasting £25 or whatever it was to join if I couldn't go to the meetings and for some reason the person who ran them didn't feel inclined to change the day just to suit me.

When I took the test, I was told I had an IQ in the top 000000000.9 of the population (or it could have been 0.000000009 ... something with a lot of 0's and one 9, anyway). This sounded very impressive to me and I do like to brag about it every now and again, so please excuse me. I'd probably fail the test if I took it now though, because I'm sure I've lost rather a lot of brain cells since then, plus there is my current problem with bovinity to consider, but as far as I'm concerned I'm still a genius. Wonder if I could fit that into Eccentric Bohemian Hermits without it sounding too cumbersome?

That would be quite a good name actually, because then my site could be known as GBH for short. Then again, it still could be, I could call it Geriatric Bohemian Hermits instead. One of the readers of my posting called Eccentric Bohemian Hermits, namely Perfectly Vocal, mentioned in her comment that "everything is reduced to an acronym" where she works, so she would probably appreciate GBH. However, EBH could stand for more than just Eccentric Bohemian Hermits. It could stand for Extensive Bodily Harm, or Exceptionally Bright Holograms, or even Extremely Bedraggled Housewives ... any number of things, in fact. I just happen to prefer Eccentric Bohemian Hermits, so that is what my EBH stands for.

Talking of the afore-mentioned Perfectly Vocal (who lives in the same town as me, but I don't know her, at least I don't think I know her ... maybe I do, who knows), take a look at her answer to her random question. Even the fact that whoever wrote the questions on this site spelt "woolly" wrongly doesn't take away from the fact that it's one hell of a funny answer. I particularly like the succinct simplicity of it. Brevity has never been my strong point, so I always admire those who can say so much in so little, as opposed to those like me who can say so little in so much.

Mankind Needs Me to Go to Florida

This is the fourth morning in a row I have had to get up at a ridiculously ungodly hour to take my youngest child to school and I'm absolutely knackered. Getting up much before about 4pm has never been good for my soul and as far as I'm concerned, 8.45 am is about the time I should be thinking about going to bed. Not to mention the fact that 8.45 am is not really the time I should be getting up when my son starts school at 8.50.

Theoretically he could go on his own, but there's a road to cross and although it's only a very small road and he's very good at crossing roads of all sizes, there are a lot of idiots about who for some reason are allowed behind the wheels of cars, buses and other assorted vehicles.

It is now 9.54 am and I think I may have to go back to bed for a while. The only problem is that I'll probably not wake-up in time to collect my son from school at 3 o'clock. Once when I went back to bed it was almost 4 o'clock before I collected him. I had to pretend I'd set my clock an hour slow without realising it, so as far as I was concerned I was early and deserved congratulating.

Current research indicates that the average human being has an internal body clock of 24 hours 11 minutes. I am convinced that mine is more like 25 hours and this belief was strengthened when I read that this is often the case with highly intelligent members of the human race. However, it is thought that if we were unaware of the time of day, everyone's body clock would eventually lengthen to 25 hours (does that mean we'd all become cleverer as well?). It would appear that some humans have faulty 'clock' genes, which gives them different sleeping/waking cycles to everyone else.

Having a 25-hour body clock may not sound particularly problematic, but think about it for a minute. It means that if you are forced to go to get up at the same time every morning, you either have to go to bed an hour earlier each night (in theory, not in practice), or stay up an hour later (which means you are actually going to bed at the same time according to your body clock) and end-up never going to bed at all after about a week. It's the same as the average adult starting off by going to bed at (for example) 11pm and rising at 7am, then the following night going to bed at 10 pm, then at 9pm, then at 8 pm ... well, you get my drift. Eventually they'd be going to bed an hour before they got up.

Unfortunately, "I have a 25-hour body clock, live with it" is not considered a good enough reason for tardiness by education authorities, employers and ex-marital partners. It's a waste of time pointing out to these people that arriving at 10.20 for a 9.30 appointment actually means (in theory) that you are 10 minutes early, because they just can't grasp the logic at all.

It takes me several hours and several large mugs of coffee to fully wake-up, which usually doesn't happen until late afternoon/early evening. By about 9pm I am always fully awake, regardless of what time I got up (and this is the case even if I never went to bed) and by the early hours I am absolutely full of beans. I read somewhere (I read a lot of things "somewhere") that everyone is at their peak at the same time they were born, which in my case seems to be true because I always feel at my best around 2-3 am, which fits in nicely with my birth time of 2.30. This is the time when I want to go out and about - I love wandering around in the dark when there's no one else to bother me, but that's probably the Eccentric Bohemian Hermit in me.

I read something on the Internet a while ago about a German professor who spent years trying to work out why certain individuals, usually highly-intelligent ones who appeared to have a lot to offer to humanity, drifted aimlessly through life from job-to-job, partner-to-partner, home-to-home and so on, without ever achieving anything. He finally concluded that it was because they shared one thing in common - they all had 25 hour body clocks. In this case, it does seem very unfair that even though there is a medical condition which causes oversleeping and the subsequent problems arising from it, there isn't even a proper medical term for it. It would be really helpful if I could be late taking my son to school and blame it on some sort of "itis" instead of my faulty alarm clock.

Left to my own devices, I seem to keep the same hours as Americans in the Pacific time zone, which is 8 hours behind the UK. I often wonder whether I would start keeping normal hours if I moved to the West Coast, for instance, or whether I would just revert to type and start dropping behind again. It may be worth approaching the World Health Organisation to see if they would provide me with some sort of research grant to cover my travel costs and provide my friend Betty (who recently moved to Florida) with funds to cover my board and lodging (and hopefully with enough left over to cover a weekly trip to Disneyworld). After all, my experiences could greatly benefit mankind.

An amusing tale I wrote about a particular clock. It won a prize! (The story, not the clock).

Now I've Got ATTITUDE!

I was on the verge of changing the blog name to Eccentric Bohemian Hermits, then I decided to add a bit to Witty Woman to give it a bit more UMPH. I've always had 'attitude', so I thought I'd add a bit of it to the title. I think it looks that bit more intriguing now. I would certainly want to look at a blog if it had attitude.

I haven't bothered changing the url, that way all the feed things will still work. I don't think the majority of them asked for a blog title anyway. If they did I can change it once they're approved. Anyway, the title wouldn't work properly in a url 'cos of the dots and the capitals, so it may as well stay as it is.

And why is it that the timezones on here are all wrong? I wasn't able to say I was from the UK, because it insisted it was an hour earlier than it is. I've had to say I come from Africa. I chose Tangier, but I could have had quite a few different places. I didn't know Africa was only an hour ahead of the UK anyway, would have thought it was several. Obviously this site isn't aware that we put our clocks forward an hour in the summer - there should either be a setting for BST (British Summer Time) or they should shove GMT forward an hour. I emailed them to tell them that but they haven't replied yet. Probably didn't like my attitude.

Eccentric Bohemian Hermits

I started this blog yesterday and spent ages registering it with various feed things and what-have-you, then realised that the name I'd given it wasn't really suitable. I actually really liked it, but it dawned on me that it would seriously limit the number of people who would want to read it. I called it Menopausal Mutterings but as you can see, it is now Witty Woman. I don't think that's really very appealing either, but it's the name of my website so it makes sense. I did think of calling it Eccentric Bohemian Hermits (I like that), but instead I'm using that for this posting.

I don't actually intend discussing Eccentric Bohemian Hermits today though, if I ever do. The words speak for themselves I think and I have to admit it's a damn good description of me. I've put it in the plural because it doesn't sound right in the singular and anyway, I'm sure I can't be the only Eccentric Bohemian Hermit in existence.

I've started one or two other blogs in the past (I still have one on Xanga, although it hasn't been updated in years) but they never seem to achieve much. I did have quite a decent following on Xanga as it happens, but I just got fed-up of updating it because everybody there seemed to be young enough to be my grandchild and I couldn't relate to what most of them were saying. I found a few decent writers though and was able to post some of their stuff on my websites, which was nice for them and for me. A couple of the bloggers I was following are still going strong, but the rest haven't posted anything for several years either. Some were friends I persuaded to join who never posted anything at all!

So far I show 8 views to my profile on here, but I have a feeling they are probably all mine. I keep popping back to see if anybody has looked at my profile and I think in so doing I am making it look as if they are when they're not. I think I need to add some sort of site stats button to my actual blog so I can see if anyone other than me is visiting it. Not sure I could cope with the devastation of knowing they're not, though. Women of my age are easily devastated.

What I dislike about blogs is the way they go on and on and on, ad infintum, on the same page, with the latest at the top, meaning you have to read them from the bottom upwards. The only way round that is to create loads of different blogs, but that would be a pain in the old proverbials because I'd have to register them all with the site feed things. I don't really know what they're all about, seems people have to have a site feeder or something on their computers, whatever that is. I certainly don't have one.

I'm wondering now whether Eccentric Bohemian Hermits would be a better name for this blog than Witty Woman. It certainly grabs the attention more, I would say. Trouble is, if I contact all the feeder places and ask them to change the name again after I only asked them a couple of hours to change it, they might get a little annoyed with me. Then again, I could always blame it on my hormones.

Fading Out and Fading In

Coping with hormones that are disappearing at a rate of knots is not an easy task. Coping with said hormones whilst living with an adolescent daughter whose hormones are just starting to appear is ten times worse.

Mother Nature has always been a classic example of irony as an art form and she's really been to town on me this last year or so. My daughter entered pre-adolescence at around the same time I left pre-menopause and about the time I finally accepted that I wasn't going to have anymore periods, my daughter had her first. Not that I mind not having periods, it's just that when they stop you realise that you are on the last lap of life. There's nothing left except old age and that's one hell of a scary thought.

The symptoms I am experiencing now are very similar to those I experienced during my pregnancies and this applies to the physical, emotional and mental. For a start, I've become increasingly bovine of late and can't remember simple things for longer than a few minutes, something I suffered terribly from during pregnancy. I'm also far moodier than usual, which means my menopausal moods are vying with my daughter's adolescent moods to see which are the moodiest. It's just as well I'm partnerless at the moment or the poor man would have run away anyway.

In my opinion, everything comes far too early. What is the point of girls starting their periods when they are only twelve? How many twelve-year-old girls want to have babies and even if they do, how many twelve-year-old girls could cope with a baby? How many twelve-year-old girls want to mess about with periods every month for that matter? My daughter has only had two so far and during the second she announced "I'm fed-up with this". Well, I had news for her - I told her she had around another forty years' worth of the things to go yet.

The menopause also comes too early. Both these things should start around a decade later, which would put an end to unwanted teenage pregnancies in one fell swoop and allow woman to keep their youthful looks and vitality long enough for them to be able to fully enjoy their freedom once their kids have left home.

Now, if I just knew who to contact to arrange for this to take place with immediate effect, I could wake-up tomorrow looking and feeling in my prime and raring to go, with a daughter who still wore Laura Ashley dresses, frilly white ankle socks and black patent leather shoes.